Life as I have known it-the past year, depression included

Life as I have known it-the past year, depression included

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Life as I have known it-the past year, depression included

December 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Soo it's been a few days since my last post, i have mostly been working on keeping things busy for the summer holidays, and succeeding thankfully :) I was just looking through a few of my old blogs and thinking I should probably bring you more up to date with my current situation. As you know I am now 21, and still on diet. The diet is still something I feel I struggle with, particularly in the levels area, to me they are too high, they tend to hang around between 600-800, and although my metabolic team are happy with anything under 1000, i have to respectfully disagree that this is the best for me. I have noticed that recently I have a tendency to get headaches when my bloods are at a certain level, and this is not my imagining things, and nor is it caused by other things such as my eyes or dehydration or tiredness. I had my eyes checked out and now follow the guidelines put in place and have 2Litres of liquid each day, and I can actually tell the difference between a headache that is tiredness, a dehydration headache or a PKU headache, though some people may not belive that unless they experience them all themselves and pay attention. I have shifted towns and have started a new course as I mentioned. I found part-way through my year studying for a Bachelor of Applied Visual Imaging that I had too much to do, little motivation and I was starting to hate myself, I had difficulty doing my school work, and often would end up in tears because the work wasn't as good as I wished, but I didn't have the time to do the job I wanted and I couldn't seem to work hard enough or fast enough to get it all in on time. Before the semester break I was coping, but just barely, I figured that the 3week break would be enough time to relax and get my motivation up again. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, I did kind of find things easier at first, but 3weeks into the ocurse I was suffering again and things got worse, by week 5 I recognised that I was depressed, I was constantly telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that no-one liked me, that my tutors looked at me and were disappointed. I took the step of organising a meeting with one of the tutors who had discussed her own depression in one of our classes, thinking it would be easier talking to someone who knew what it was like. To be quite honest I was scared to go to that meeting, I thought of myself as weak, and not worth it, I was terrified the tutor would look at me and say theres nothing wrong with me, what am I on about? I know this all seems unlikly looking back, but that was what was going through my head at the time, and it's very hard to not listen to yourself cos there is no escape. My partner Bryce was off from work for that week, he came with me to the meeting and supported me, I had already told him what was happening, but he admitted that he had no idea how to help, but even so he would be there for me in whatever way I needed. I didn't ask him to come to the meeting he offered and I was very relieved, even if things went to shit my guy was there and he would help me, I also would bet he would be very pissed off if I was refused help when asked. Anyway despite my misgivings the meeting went well, I was given the option of going into part-time study in order to ease the work-load and stress levels, the tutor also told me to see a counsellor, something I was already looking into and she also told me that it was the right thing to do and that she was proud of me because I was standing up and doing something about my situation and facing the problem. I think i was a little shocked as the last thing i expected was to be told I was brave and that she was proud! I went into Part-time study with serious mis-givings, I was now telling myself that I was weak, i couldn't hack it, i didn't deserve this chance, people work hard so I can have this opportunity and instead I'm wasting their time by only doing things half-heartedly, everyone else thinks i'm weak too, they're only pretending to like me, they won't talk to you if you go into class cos you aren't like them. Imagine having that in your head all the time... Luckily I went into the Methodist Social Services and found a great counsellor, although my first meeting with the lady who was assessing me for counselling wasn't entirely great. Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely lady, however after telling her I wasn't into drinking or getting drunk because I didn't like the feeling alcahol gave me and didn't like the idea of having to remember the idiotic things I do while under the influence (well not those exact words), she then told me I was possibly too controlling and I need to let my hair down and have some fun (NZ has a very big driking culture, and I am surrounded by it on all sides, one I'm a young adult, two my partner is in the army where getting krunk seems to almost be a weekly activity, and three I'm a student, where apparently we party hard and barely study, I on the otherhand am not like that). I did listen to that, and i thought about it, but I didn't and still don't agree. Just because I want a healthy liver (I mean it's already screwed up why make it worse?) and good memories not tinged with silliness or vomiting due to excess amounts of alcohol, it doesn't mean I'm a control freak, i mean you should see my room, that isn't a control freaks room! Thankfully I was passed onto a lady who not only agreed with me, but helped sort out all the dark thoughts in my head and helped me learn to think positively again. The last time I remember feeling I had to make an effort to get up/be happy was sometime towards the end of October. And I also managed to pass my classes, one even with an A average, the rest were all B averages. So in that respect I am pretty proud of myself. On the flat front, shifting towns meant shifting flats again, although thankfully I have had no troubles with flatmates eating my food, just flatmates partying at rediculous hours after I'd fallen asleep and having not informed me that a party was gona happen. One night I woke to drunken guys yelling outside my bedroom door. I was very shocked and very scared, but after determining my flatmate was home I went out and threatened to call the cops if everyone didn't get out. Needless to say I was given my two weeks notice the next morning and did not part on good terms. if I hadn't been given the notice I would have shifted anyway as it was the 3rd time such an event had happened and I was a full-time student at that point and hadn't gotten home until 11pm after waking at around 7am and working through until 10:30pm. The next flat-the inbetween was just a temorary room in a friends place while I found a new place of my own, which is where i am now and am living happily. My flatmates are great and I am living with my boyfriend (he didn't live here originally he shifted in as there were guys doing weed at his flat and he didn't want to be a part of the flat when the landlord found out), they all get the food stuff, and we have weekly home-made pizza nights where I get my own special pizza and top it with stuff I am allowed, I am planning to start making PKU pizza dough as then I can eat a whole pizza like the others do lol we have also started a dessert night, although I don't always get a part in that. last week however it was Bryces night and he made a Fruit Cobbler, using boysenberries, I was very pleased cos that I could have :) I also have my kitty Smudge with me here, and will be getting my bird soon. We are currently looking for another flatmate to fill a room, but we have all agreed that we want someone who will fit in with our already established flat, and we can also afford to be picky as the required 4 people to cover the rent are already here and we're only having that extra cos it's a bit of a waste to leave a room empty. Well I hope you enjoyed getting up to date with my life and I hope your year was a little better then mine and continues to get better, I know my year is improving daily :)
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