I have been controlling my diet for the last almost year on what seems to be a rollercoaster ride. After deciding last year to get my levels down where they needed to be I recieved a level of 14 which is great considering the last had been 32. But I found that in hearing a great level I get frustrated at the amount of focus and work I put in to get that level. I am VERY classic PKU (NO part of the emzyne whatsoever) I have found that in needing a great level I have to litterally STOP ALL food intake and drink the formula only. My last level was 9.4 a great level but once again in hearing that I got lazy. started eating again plus bread and some cheeses. SO my levels shot up again I found myself mentally beating myself up over not sticking to the regiem. I kept thinking that "Im gonna do it today" and then a friend would ask me over for lunch... bad decisions were made and as I lay in bed again... "tomorrow is another day I can do it tomorrow". Until I realized that for me I needed to call my socialworker at the U. and get the nutritionist to make an appointment with me. I stayed on the phone with her for an hour some crying and some laughing at how horrible I was doing. As she always does she lifted my chin and verbally wiped my tears and helped my focus to return. I started with a glass of formula and decided then at least a week (because in my mind a week is doable) I would be strict again.... In doing that another hill n the rollercoaster of my emotions. I got MAD. REALLY mad. I had a ladies dinner night at church where the older ladies had all made homemade soups and homemade breads... I sat in the corner with my arms crossed drinking water and frusterated that this exact senario has gone on my whole life... I thought last year I had finally accepted this. I was doing so well (off and on) better than I had in the past years. Why was I mad again??? And am I going to frequent this anger? Will I ever be totally ok with PKU? and what purpose does PKU have in my life? I came home and cried as I made dinner for my 2 nonPKU kids. I drank another glass of formula and my son asked "mom, are u OK?" In that moment I had to pause and think what lesson do I want or in fact need my children to understand about my tears. I turned around and explained that PKU isnt fun or easy but I do it because I love them so much and want them to have the best mom they can have. I not so many words I told them we all have things that we have to do to take care of ourselves that we may not like at all, but that it is important to do them anyhow to stay healthy and live a full life. My son at 11 years old looked contemplatively at me and said, "We love you too,Mom, so much", with a tear in his eye. Who knew some of my lifes hardest struggles and greatest victories would soften the heart of my loving son. I hugged him, kissed him on his cheek and sent him upstairs to brush his teeth. My heart was lighter and I felt my weight lifted as I made yet another glass of formula.